The Cat's Meow

...isn't the half of it; cats make all sorts of weird sounds. Gremlin, the Siamese bastard, has the true Siamese rusty-gate yowl, and no inhibitions about expressing his opinions. He adores Bruce and always runs to greet him when he comes home after work. Sometimes Bruce, who is a mail carrier, is so hot and sweaty and tired that he just wants to jump into the shower, so he goes into the bedroom and closes the door. Gremlin hurls himself at the door, yowling loud enough to be heard in Flagstaff. In fact, they had to put a new doorknob on the bedroom door because he learned how to open the old one.

The breeder of Siamese and Balinese cats whose cat chat list I belong to told of a neighbor two miles away who called on her, concerned because he'd heard a woman screaming at her place. Turns out it was her Balinese stud, Hairy Houdini, serenading the ladies in heat....

Sethra, half meezer, has a demanding cry, too short-lived to be called a yowl. She usually utters it while standing on me when I'm in bed, trying to read or sleep, and she wants me to throw her feather toy so she can fetch it. (A lot of people talk about how they've taught their cat to fetch--don't believe it. The truth of the matter is that the cat has taught its person how to toss. The proof: who gets to decide when the game is over?)

She and Aliera both yowl (and try to climb my legs) in the kitchen when they think there's a chance that it's Cat Food Night or that the corners of a slice of cheese are on offer. Cat Food Night happens about twice a week, when I split one of those foil packets of gourmet cat food between them. They have an automatic kibble dispenser for the rest of the time.

I told my British friend Catherine that I was going to put a sign on the door of the cats' office saying "GOURMET CAT FOOD IS NOT AN ENTITLEMENT." She remarked that the next day I'd probably find a little sign under it saying "WHY NOT?" I wouldn't put it past them.

None of the other cats makes particularly interesting noises, with one exception. (They purr, but I can't hear it; don't know if it's because of their too, too solid flesh, or if it's just my hearing loss.) Aliera, well, Aliera...beeps.

That's right. She usually greets me with a little trilling sound (all cat owners know what that is), but when feeling conversational, she makes a little beeping noise.

Do you suppose there's a twelve-step program for meezers who beep? "My name is Aliera, and I'm a beepaholic. It all started when I was a kitten....."