THE RULES FOR CATS
I wrote to a vet friend of mine from an online language forum: “I need for you to write a letter to my cats, on official stationery, with all your degrees and honors listed, to set out the Rules for Cats, because they won't listen to me.”
He didn’t comply, just posted a few jokes, so I’ll have to do it myself:
1. Gourmet cat food is not an entitlement.
2. It's MY bed. You are not entitled to more than half of it, no matter how much you can stretch out.
3. Synchronized washing of one another's faces is cute. Synchronized hacking up of hairballs is not.
4. Wait till the human's back is turned before you lick your sister's butt.
5. My food is not for cats. My drink is not for cats. My meds are not for cats.
6. Don't make nice when the cat from next door comes to the back window. He's a homosexual rapist.
7. Stop being nicer to Bruce than you are to me, just because he's the one who delivers the bags of cat food.
8. Plaintive Siamese meows are just plain distracting.
Please print your messages, on one side of the paper only, if you have something you must say.
9. Stop staring at me when I'm on the john. I don't come and stare at you when you're in the litter box.
10. GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WASTEBASKET!
11. When I am trying to take a nap, or deeply asleep, it is not the time for cat rugby, feet-eating, or “I’m going to yowl at you till you toss the toy for me.”
12. Honestly, it really IS possible to play with a toy without ripping all the feathers off it and chewing them to bits.
13. I appreciate the sentiment, really I do; but it is unnecessary to deposit any more Styrofoam pellets on my bed. If I wanted to sleep among Styrofoam pellets, I’d be living in a cardboard box.
14. You might try exerting yourself occasionally to CATCH the bug, instead of just staring at it in a bemused manner.
15. If you keep making phone calls by stepping on the speakerphone button, you’re going to have to pay for them yourselves.
16. When you yowl for people food like chicken or cheese, and I give you some, you do NOT walk away and leave it crudding up the dish.
17. Don't go after the people food while the people are still eating it!
18. The yard guy and the pool guy are not your long-lost relatives and do not need to be greeted as such. They are outdoor people; you are indoor cats.
19. If you’re going to make yourself comfortable on the desk in front of the monitor, LIE DOWN! I need to be able to see what I’m writing.
20. To quote an old cartoon, never, never, never think outside the box.